BbF My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
BbFC Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
BbCDmCDm Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
CBbF They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine”
BbF But the problem with my particular œuvre,
BbF Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
C And the wisdom here at the BBC,
C Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
BbF And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
BbF Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
CDm It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
BbCF For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’.
 
F And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
C Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
DmBbCF A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
F I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
C With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’,
Dm And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long,
BbCF I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.
 
BbF And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making
CDm it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
BbF Remember boy that music is like love-making,
C Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit…
F So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
C Without no pornography or politics in it,
Dm You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
BbCF You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”.
 
F Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
C With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
Dm Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
BbCF To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.
 
DmBbF And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous,
BbFC intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
DmBbF And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
CC7 For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
BbF For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
CC7 Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
N.C. Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin
 
F I need a little happy-clappy country song,
C Nice and repetitive and not too long,
Dm Boring enough, but not too boring,
BbCD With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
G I need a song that is only three minutes,
D Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
Em Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
CD Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em.
 Instrumental break: 
G - D - Em - C D
G Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,
D To flog more tickets to my concerts,
Em By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
C Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge,
EmC You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it,
DG But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes.
CDG