E Hello
B/D# Welcome to my show 
DDsus2 I'm glad that you could come
A We're gonna have a hoot
DB/D# E We're gonna have some fun
 
[notes – A3 B3 D3 G3 B3 D3]
E Sit back
E/D# Put your feet up and relax 
DDsus2 I hope you've had a drink or three
A The more you've drunk
DB/D# E The better I’ll ever be
 
A And if you have a mobile phone
Am Please turn it off
E Thank you
 
A And if you have Tourette's syndrome
AmE Just do whatever it is you people do
 
F#A And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
EABE Maybe you should chuff off home
AE Cos it's only gonna get worse
AE Only gonna get worse
A Only gonna get worse
E From now on……………c**t
 
[notes – E2 F#2 G#2]
A My name is Tim
DA I write funny songs and sing
ABE7 And if you don't think funny songs are funny
A Well I respect your right
DA To think exactly what you like
AE7A But you're sure as shit not getting back your money
Dmaj7AE/G#F#mF#m/E And if you write for a newspaper I'd just like to say
DDmaj7AE/G#F#mF#m/E That I read your publication every single day
Dmaj7Bø C#7F#m And I agree with absolutely everything you say
Dmaj9Bø/D I think you're the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
AG/AD/ADm/A Writing on the subject of the arts
Dmaj9 But if you write a bad review
Bø/D I promise you I'll come round to your house
AG/AD/A Bmb5/A And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
B11 I'll lay turds!
C11 In all your plants!
C#11 Your indoor plants!
F# Hello
C#/E# Welcome to my show
Esus2 I'm glad you all could come
BEC#/E# F# It's time for a little audience participation
F# Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)
E Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)
B Sing, "Yeah yeah yeah!" (Yeah yeah yeah!)
F# Sing, "Ooo yeah!" (Ooo yeah!)
F# Sing, "I am an audience member!" (I am an audience member!)
E "Why are you making me sing?" (Why are you making me sing?)
B "You self indulgent wanker!" (You self indulgent wanker!)
F# "Just get on with the fucking show!" (Just get on with the fucking show!)