Lirik Lagu Albuquerque - Weird Al Yankovic
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under thestairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down thestreet from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning mymother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at anoncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'SGOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in mymouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a halfyears old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta thatbasement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun isalways shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towelsare oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulelesall day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back fora nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dreamcame true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had thiscontest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules inLeonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grandprize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gottatell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two largeAlbanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid inback of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out ofDr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome withPauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and wewent into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in agiant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophoneand my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographedglow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famousAlbuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you caneat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they'reclean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turnedon the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolatemint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there'sa knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer."Who is it?" There's no answer."WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, andonly one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, andI'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like asnorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"And I'm like, "Give it!"And he's like, "Make me!"And I'm like, "'kay!"So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his earand he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gavea colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow inthe middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twentyseconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But Imade a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I wouldnot sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought tojustice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and Idrove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind thecounter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"I said, "You got any apple fritters?"He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"I said, "You got any bear claws?"He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."I said, "OK, I'll take that."So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump outand they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! Youknow, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty startedgoin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'emoff! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over myface, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' likea constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactlywhen I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was acaligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color ofstrained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said tome. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same pieceof mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we gotmarried, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetiepumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her againbut that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a weeklater, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me apart-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after Iput out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was prettyjealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excessearwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Martytryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say tohim, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" AndMarty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want youto cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was justbeing sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to knowthat? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's gota really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up tome on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite outof his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding allover, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keepsrolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony ofthe whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way ofsaying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existentialquandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain andisolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can takea small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in thiscrazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!Albuquerque!Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)L! (L!)B! (B!)U! (U!).... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)Al...buquerque!*burp*heh heh heh heh
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at anoncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'SGOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in mymouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a halfyears old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta thatbasement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun isalways shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towelsare oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulelesall day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back fora nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dreamcame true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had thiscontest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules inLeonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grandprize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gottatell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two largeAlbanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid inback of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out ofDr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome withPauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and wewent into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in agiant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophoneand my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographedglow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famousAlbuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you caneat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they'reclean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turnedon the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolatemint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there'sa knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer."Who is it?" There's no answer."WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, andonly one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, andI'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like asnorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"And I'm like, "Give it!"And he's like, "Make me!"And I'm like, "'kay!"So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his earand he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gavea colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow inthe middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twentyseconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But Imade a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I wouldnot sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought tojustice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and Idrove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind thecounter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"I said, "You got any apple fritters?"He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"I said, "You got any bear claws?"He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."I said, "OK, I'll take that."So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump outand they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! Youknow, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty startedgoin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'emoff! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over myface, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' likea constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactlywhen I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was acaligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color ofstrained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said tome. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same pieceof mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we gotmarried, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetiepumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her againbut that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque!Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a weeklater, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me apart-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after Iput out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was prettyjealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excessearwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Martytryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say tohim, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" AndMarty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want youto cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was justbeing sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to knowthat? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's gota really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up tome on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite outof his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding allover, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keepsrolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony ofthe whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way ofsaying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existentialquandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain andisolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can takea small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in thiscrazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!Albuquerque!Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)L! (L!)B! (B!)U! (U!).... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)Al...buquerque!*burp*heh heh heh heh
